Immortal Death
by ImmortalFlick
Summary: Slash. Character Death. Xander loved Spike, but it didn't really matter in the end.


Immortal Death  
  
ImmortalFlick  
  
Warnings: Slash. Character Death.  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer does not belong to me. Neither does 'My Immortal' by Evanescence.  
  
A/N: I've messed around with a bit. Stuff didn't happen. Willow didn't go crazy 'cause Tara never died. Buffy has been at it with Spike but now she's got Riley. Xander did stand Anya up at the alter, so she's still here but not with Xander.  
  
*  
  
i'm so tired of being here  
  
suppressed by all of my childish fears  
  
and if you have to leave  
  
i wish that you would just leave  
  
because your presence still lingers here  
  
and it won't leave me alone   
  
*  
  
He's gone. He's not coming back. He loved Buffy. I thought I loved Buffy too. I was so jealous, I wanted to stake him and just move on with life. Leave him in the dust literally. I'm sure no one would blame me if I'd staked the bleached wonder. Willow might. Buffy would be proud. Giles would give me a disapproving look but I'd know he'd secretly be laughing gleefully, the Ripper was still there somewhere. Anya wouldn't much care. She hardly looks at me anymore. I know I broke her heart. Xander Harris does that a lot. Goes around stuffing his foot in his mouth. I really should grow a backbone as Spike once said.   
  
I thought, at first, that what I felt was jealousy of Spike, who occasionally held Buffy's lust, desire, whatever you called it. I hated him. Then I started to go all tingly when he touched me by accident. I'd get a happy when he looked at me. I used to shift uncomfortably. He'd give me funny looks. Like he knew. I don't think he did though, maybe he thought it was Buffy. Vamps can smell pheromones, Giles said. Major grossness there.   
  
*  
  
these wounds won't seem to heal  
  
this pain is just too real  
  
there's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
*  
  
Maybe what I did was wrong, what does it matter? It's not as if God is going to come down and smite me for killing a vampire. He was already dead. Maybe he'd come down and smite me for loving one. But I fixed that.   
  
I was nervous, I didn't know what I was doing. I hated him and lusted after him at the same time. Just looking at him made me melt into a pile of goo. But no matter how much looking I did nothing changed. He was still the same old bastard, bleached, fangless vamp. And I was still the same helpless, dumb Xander.   
  
*  
  
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears  
  
and i've held your hand through all of these years  
  
but you still have all of me  
  
*  
  
Then, after time, I finally went for it. I just kissed him. And for all of my surprise, he kissed me back. Devoured me. That was my fate. It was sealed and done. I was in love with him. I couldn't live without him. A lot of my time was spent around him, I craved his touch and he knew it.   
  
I thought I knew him, he'd tell me things about his life before being turned. He talked to me. He made me think he loved me. He told me that just because he was a vampire didn't mean he could feel things too. I believed him. I comforted him even! I just fell into him. And I feel useless because of it.  
  
None of the group knew how much he had me. He owned me. And I loved it. But now I hate it.  
  
*  
  
you used to captivate me  
  
by your resonating light  
  
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind  
  
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
  
*  
  
He was so amazing. His eyes. Voice. Dead beauty, I suppose it's called. He had such a personality. Spike was so easy to get caught up in.   
  
But then something changed. He owned me too much and I couldn't breathe. I tried to get away, but by then his grip was so tight. Spike wouldn't let go. I tried to escape, even to leave Sunnydale, but something made me come back. Every time I had to come back. There was no escape for me. When he spoke I had to flinch, recognizing the voice and realizing my own human weakness had me trapped. I thought about him all the time. Every dream. Every word. Every movement. Everything reminded me of him.  
  
*  
  
these wounds won't seem to heal  
  
this pain is just too real  
  
there's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
*  
  
I don't know if he loved me. But I hurt so badly. I ache all over. Like I'm dying slowly. The Scoobies asked me what was wrong. I told them nothing. I lied.   
  
I'll never forget him and I'll never stop feeling him. He'll never be truly gone. Spike will always haunt me and always be just beyond my reach.  
  
*  
  
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears  
  
and i've held your hand through all of these years  
  
but you still have all of me  
  
*  
  
I thought he loved me. Maybe he did. But it never mattered. I went to visit him suddenly after dark. I went to his crypt. I crept in, seeing if I could surprise him. I used to do it all the time, when we first began this. Just to see if his vamp senses were up to par. He always used catch me. But by the time heard the noises I already knew. I didn't have to go any further but I did anyway. There they were.   
  
I can't really blame Buffy. She had no idea and I wanted to keep it that way. So I didn't blame Buffy. I met up with him when we were patrolling. I saw it in his eyes. He wasn't going to tell me. He didn't even know I'd seen.   
  
I knew what I had to do. I greeted him. Told him I loved him one last time. I meant it. I kissed him with all the passion left in my body and dead eyes. Then I pushed the sharpened wood through his undead heart. I could see the surprise in his blue eyes. The shock. And even a little bit of understanding. But when he burst into dust I wasn't ready for my own collapse. My body was torn with anguished sobs. He was gone. It was by my own hand.   
  
*  
  
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
and though you're still with me  
  
i've been alone all along  
  
*  
  
He was immortal. I killed that. He can't have been all that immortal after all. My grief clawed at my mind. Until I can't handle it anymore. I have to finish it because I can't live without him. I can't live with him. I can't live without him.   
  
I hold the gun to my own head. This time it's my death. I've been dying slowly, an immortal death in a way. I left a note for Willow, a side note for Tara. I couldn't go without leaving something behind for them.   
  
I loved him. I still do. My trigger finger tightens. There is no other way. It's easy to get a gun in Sunnydale. Surprisingly easy.   
  
As I pull the trigger I don't think of anything.  
  
*  
  
End. Well. Hm. Feedback? 


End file.
